The last time you went to a dinner party you probably didn’t talk about death. But, that’s the focus of conversation at a growing number of tables. It’s part of a national movement called “Death Over Dinner.” The goal is talk about important questions before it’s too late. Lesley McClurg joined a recent gathering of friends in San Francisco.
Eric Weinstein and his wife Pia Malaney are hosting five friends for dinner.
The guests arrive just as the sun is setting on a Sunday evening.
People introduce themselves in the living room with the San Francisco Bay as the back-drop.
All of the guests have some tie to Silicon Valley and the tech industry, but they’ve never actually met.
After a few minutes of small talk Weinstein makes a formal introduction.
Eric Weinstein: “So, I’m super glad to have everyone here for tonight’s dinner.”
This the first time he’s hosted a death dinner. But, Weinstein has attended a similar event as a guest. He says the experience showed him that a conversation over food makes it easier to broach difficult topics.
Eric Weinstein: “Let’s try to have a really thoughtful structured conversation about the ultimate opponent to confront death on its own’s terms and see if we can score a few points it.”
The group migrates to the dining room where plates are filled with seared salmon and side dishes.
Weinstein opens the conversation.
Eric Weinstein: “How many of us are motivated to think about death at least recently because of a particular loss that hit us incredibly hard?”
Luke Nosek, a co-founder of Paypal, shares the story of a close friend who was recently hospitalized.
Luke Nosek: “It was scary for a while imagining. This is someone who’s not just a friend but who’s collaborating with me on some very important work. And I thought what happens if his work isn't done? There’s no one to continue it.”
Eventually Nosek’s friend recovered. But, the experience made him reflect on what he would do if his own life were in question.
Luke Nosek: “It’s always very clarifying. At first there’s a reaction. Ahh No… Ahh… Can’t work. Can’t do really anything. And, then suddenly there’s a clarity. I would do this and this and this.”
Weinstein nods in agreement.
Eric Weinstein: “I worry that who we are at dying is not really who we are while living.”
He asks people in the group what actions they would take if they only had 24 hours to live.
Luke Nosek answers first, then Tim Ferriss, Pia Malaney and finally Mason Hartman.
Luke Nosek: "I would try to give as many transformational gifts as possible. This might be things that I own. For most people I think it would be some kind of teaching or some kind of experience that I’ve had that changed me."
Tim Ferriss: “For the waking hours I would just be calling people I had fallen out of touch or people that I was already close to to tell them that I felt needed to be said before passing.”
Pia Malaney: “I have friend of mine who was just diagnosed with breast cancer and she has a nine year old son like me. I think it’s very clear when you have a family what you would do with it. How do I set things up to be able to plan for them, to be able to insure that they have a future.”
Mason Hartman: “I think I would do exactly what everyone else has said.”
The conversation twists and turns for more than hour… the group talks about losing parents; funeral norms across cultures... even the ethics of life extension.
Then, Eric Weinstein asks the table…
Eric Weinstein: “Do you feel that you’re doing anything of sufficient significance that you’re work will be felt 200 years beyond your demise.”
Weinstein's wife Pia Malaney answers first.
Pia Malane: “You know in some sense there’s a gender issue. I think men very often are focused on the legacy they leave to the outside. And women are focused on the legacy they leave to their children. And, I see it playing out perfectly within our relationship where you do really have a legacy to the outside world and I’m very focused on our legacy within.”
Eric Weinstein: “What you’re hiding is that you have a legacy to the outside world. You actually made the contribution and then you elected to prioritize what biologists would call kin work and raising your children. You would rather invest it in people rather than in timeless ideas.”
The room is quiet. A serious conversation about death can do that.