Valley Public Radio - Live Audio

Panel Questions

Jul 6, 2019
Originally published on July 6, 2019 8:55 am
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks, everybody. So on other shows on NPR, they bring you the news - supposedly. But the important stuff isn't what our elected leaders are doing. No, the real work of ruining everything is done by everyday people like you and me. Here's our panel talking about the quiet heroes who are making this country a living hell.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Alonzo, the Department of Homeland Security is looking for creative ways to fund the border wall. They're saying they can raise up to $3 million just by collecting what?

ALONZO BODDEN: Water bottles going into the airport. I don't know.

SAGAL: You are very close, actually, because it is something that people leave at TSA - not water bottles, but something else.

BODDEN: Oh, their phones.

SAGAL: No.

BODDEN: No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Something else - something else that's metal in their pockets.

BODDEN: People out there are saying keys, but it's not going to be...

SAGAL: Yes, they take your keys...

BODDEN: Oh, your spare change.

SAGAL: Your change, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That's exactly right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So the administration will be protecting the border the same way that lousy roommate you had did his laundry - by stealing your quarters.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: E-mails obtained from the Department of Homeland Security outlined their plan to raise $3 million - or 300 million cents...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...In funds for the border from change people leave when they walk away from the TSA security line. All they need is Bill Gates to fly commercial once...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And they'll be able to build the whole wall.

TOM PAPA: I don't like that the money is going towards the wall. But I'm all for people taking all of my change all of the time.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: I'm able to buy things on my phone with it just looking at my face.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: And yet I've got tons of metal in my pockets. Like, please, can I get into your state? Will you take these at the tollbooth?

FAITH SALIE: My tuppence.

BODDEN: The...

PAPA: My tuppence.

BODDEN: Well...

PAPA: Enough with the big metal stuff. It's all grimy. It's filled with germs. Come to my house. Take all of it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's actually plan B if they don't get enough.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Then they're going to try that. They're also going to try a new pat-down technique - turning you upside down and shaking you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Faith, cities like New York, LA and Washington, D.C., are trying out new laws that would allow ordinary citizens to do what?

SALIE: Give me a hint, please.

SAGAL: I'll give you a hint. Finally, you can fulfill your childhood dream of being a meter maid.

SALIE: Giving people your - what? So they're trying out...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: ...People giving each other tickets.

SAGAL: Yes, they're...

SALIE: What?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Allowing civilians to hand out parking tickets.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: That's just a terrible idea.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's where we are, Faith. This will be known as the era of terrible ideas.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Oh, my gosh.

SAGAL: You know, you don't get - you don't have to get just frustrated at the jerk who parks in the bike lane. You can be the jerk who tattles on them to the cops.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: More and more cities are turning to citizen volunteers to report their neighbors' behavior. You know, after a couple of years of the United States seeming like Nazi Germany, it's so refreshing now to have it just seem like East Germany.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Wow.

SAGAL: So the programs vary. In New York City, where you live - so watch out, Faith - anybody who uses an app to report illegally idling vehicles can receive 25% of any collected fines.

(OOHING)

SAGAL: It's a bounty system. One man has made $9,000 so far. That's almost one month's rent.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: That's true.

SAGAL: That's true.

PAPA: Just parking?

SALIE: Yeah, what else can we report?

SAGAL: It's various kinds of parking. What else do you want to report?

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Where do we start?

SALIE: I - this isn't funny. It just gets me all fired up. I want to report my neighbors upstairs. I live in an apartment building, and their children are feral and up too late.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: See. This is why...

SALIE: And $9,000 just about covers my rent.

SAGAL: I can imagine.

BODDEN: This is why New York's such a great city to test the system in.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: You see how quickly I went to the dark side?

BODDEN: New Yorkers already get along so well.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Start out with a nice fine. But, like, those guys that walk down the street out in public with flip-flop shoes...

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: ...Those guys with their big man feet hanging over the edge - fine. You get a fine.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: You know what that's called when your feet hang over? It's called toe-verbite (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Yeah, $200 a violation.

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: And if you wear a sleeveless shirt, and you have man boobs that stick out of the sides...

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: ...Where the arms should be - $300.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Alonzo, it's almost summer camp season, and you'll be happy to know that there are now summer camps you can send your children as young as 4 to where they will learn all about what?

BODDEN: Wow. That's a pretty broad statement.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Can you give me a hint?

SAGAL: Sure. And this is actually the reason why these camps are popping up. It's important to keep the young people from being seduced by socialists like Bernie Sanders.

BODDEN: Oh, so that they can learn all about what - the Bible and conservativism...

SAGAL: No, not exactly. It's not about religion. It's specifically to counter the socialist propaganda.

BODDEN: Oh, about capitalism.

SAGAL: Yes, they're capitalism camps.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SALIE: Whoa.

SAGAL: Kids say sharing is caring, but you know what? Caring's not for closers.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If your kid doesn't understand how capitalism works, you can send them to a camp like the one run by a company called BIZNOVATOR in South Florida. There, kids will, quote, "learn how to monetize their hobbies, interview local corporate executives and shoot YouTube commercials for their prospective businesses," unquote.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know your little camper has mastered the principles of the free market when he says to his counselor, how much do I have to pay to go home?

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Yeah.

SALIE: It brings a new meaning to a kid at camp saying, I want s'mores, right?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's true. That's true.

BODDEN: Then some other kid is, like, well...

SALIE: I just want more and more and more s'mores. What?

BODDEN: Some other kid has - well, I'm making s'mores, and they'll be $5 each.

SALIE: That's right. That's right.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: And he's controlling the market on s'mores. So he's got that.

SAGAL: Yeah - next thing you know, it's a monopoly. And he's paying off the counselor to make sure that no one else is allowed to make s'mores, and he's basically understood the American system.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I thought these kids would learn how capitalism works when their rich parents pay to get them into college.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.