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Limericks

Oct 12, 2019
Originally published on October 14, 2019 6:58 am
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming 1,000th show on October 24 in Salt Lake City and our 1,001st show October 25 in Salt Lake City. Also, if you want more WAIT WAIT... in your week, check out the WAIT WAIT... quiz for your smart speaker. That's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions in the comfort of your home without all the awkwardness of getting us to leave.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CASEY SWALLOW: Hi.

SAGAL: Who's this?

SWALLOW: This is Casey Swallow from West Newbury, Mass.

SAGAL: Oh, welcome.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, what do you do there?

SWALLOW: I'm retired - college professor.

SAGAL: Oh, really? What did you teach...

SWALLOW: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...When you taught college?

SWALLOW: Chemistry.

SAGAL: Chemistry. Oh, OK.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: And do you manufacture meth now?

(LAUGHTER)

SWALLOW: No. I was the wrong kind of chemist. I was an analytical chemist.

SAGAL: Oh, darn it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Casey, welcome to the show. Chioke I’Anson is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

SWALLOW: Yes.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first limerick.

CHIOKE I’ANSON: This open bar concept has power. Who knows how much booze I'll devour. The bartenders metered for time, not for liters. They charge for their drinks by the...

SWALLOW: Hour.

SAGAL: Yes, an hour.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A new bar in St. Louis...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...Has a new policy that lets you pay for drinks by the hour. It's the perfect way to make sure happy hour turns into vomit evening.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The bar is called Open Concept. It works like this - you pay a set price. And as long as you only order one drink at a time, you can drink as much as you would like in one hour. If you can keep going for a second hour, you're doing it wrong.

(LAUGHTER)

MO ROCCA: Do you - I always want - I know this is a little off topic. But I think it would be neat to open a gay bar in Iran and call it Gayatola's (ph).

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That would be great.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: How was that off topic?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Casey.

SWALLOW: Yeah.

SAGAL: Casey, here is your next limerick.

I’ANSON: Glenlivet makes Tide Pods less risky, their fillings less toxic, more frisky. They won't clean your clothes. But they've got a strong nose, those pods that are filled up with...

SWALLOW: Whiskey?

SAGAL: Whiskey, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: If you've ever wanted to eat a Tide Pod but wished it tasted worse, congratulations.

ROCCA: It's actually...

SAGAL: The Glen...

ROCCA: It's a Tide Pod and has the whiskey in it.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Uncle Mo is explaining it to me.

SAGAL: Apparently, yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I shall. You know you're wearing a microphone, Mo, so...

(LAUGHTER)

SHANNON O'NEILL: Almost forgot.

SAGAL: Anyway.

POUNDSTONE: Been nipping at the pods.

SAGAL: If you've ever wanted to Tide Pod but wished it tasted worse, you're in luck. The Glenlivet Distillery is making whiskey pods. And while they won't necessarily kill you, they make the friends you serve them to want to kill you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The pods cut out that inconvenient glass part in the middle of your drinking. It delivers delicious whiskey straight to your mouth in a translucent wrap made from seaweed extract. Finally, a way to get your kids to stop eating detergent. Let them eat whiskey.

ROCCA: But the crazy thing is, in all seriousness - and I think they did it as a stunt, obviously...

SAGAL: I think because everybody was talking about them, yes.

ROCCA: ...Because it went viral and all that business. But you would - you wouldn't taste it, really, then.

SAGAL: Well, I think the idea is you sort of pop it in your mouth.

ROCCA: Oh, you pop it in your mouth.

O'NEILL: Yeah.

SAGAL: And then you sort of squeeze it. And it pops open, and then it floods your mouth with, like, single-malt whiskey, which - and I like single-malt whiskey - would be terrible.

ROCCA: Oh, yeah.

SAGAL: You wouldn't want it, like, all of a sudden, a lot of it in your mouth.

ROCCA: God, I would love a pina colada pod.

O'NEILL: Oh, there you go.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Casey. Here's your last limerick.

I’ANSON: I can't handle the moods of a cat. And a dog is too big for my flat. So I'm a proponent of long-tailed, gray rodents. For a pet, I am getting a...

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE MEMBER: Rat.

(LAUGHTER)

SWALLOW: Rat.

SAGAL: Yes. That's right, a rat.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: According to a study in The Washington Post, probably sponsored by an association of cheap landlords...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Rats are now considered to be the best pets after dogs because they have, quote, "cuddly personalities." They giggle when tickled. And they grind their teeth with pleasure when stroked, just like they grind the bones of the dead.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: While you might think rats are clean little fellas, domesticated rats can spread several diseases, like leptospirosis and a disease that makes you think owning a rat is a good idea.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Still, some owners have taught their rats to fetch a ball, to jump through hoops and to chase away dates.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Paula, you've had more pets than any other person I've ever met. Did you ever have a rat?

POUNDSTONE: Never have had a rat. Never would have a rat.

SAGAL: Really?

POUNDSTONE: No. I got no rat interest at all.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: No. And I have plenty of rats. We do - we are always having a rat trouble at my house, which is weird because I have 13 cats.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Well, do cats eat rat?

POUNDSTONE: I'm not sure...

ROCCA: Cats...

POUNDSTONE: ...They do eat rats.

ROCCA: ...Like mice.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. They...

ROCCA: I don't...

POUNDSTONE: ...Like mice.

ROCCA: I think they like mice.

SAGAL: Well, they do that.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: But rats are just very large mice.

POUNDSTONE: You can barely tell them apart. My cats have to say to them, slow down just to tell...

ROCCA: I think that's...

POUNDSTONE: ...What they are.

ROCCA: That is really narrow-minded to say that mice and rats just look the same.

SAGAL: Well, they're similar.

O'NEILL: They're completely different.

SAGAL: Mice are very...

O'NEILL: Rats are...

SAGAL: Mice are smaller.

O'NEILL: ...Almost as smart as us.

SAGAL: Rats are almost as smart as us?

O'NEILL: They are very intelligent.

ROCCA: Yeah.

SAGAL: Well...

ROCCA: Well...

SAGAL: ...Do you have experience with rats?

O'NEILL: I have three. Just kidding.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: There was a...

O'NEILL: I just read a lot of books about rats.

POUNDSTONE: No. They're...

O'NEILL: They are like this...

POUNDSTONE: ...Not that smart.

O'NEILL: They are very smart.

POUNDSTONE: No. No. And here's...

O'NEILL: I will challenge you right now, Paula.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Shannon.

O'NEILL: Stand up, woman. No.

POUNDSTONE: No, Shannon.

O'NEILL: They can collapse their bones and go into small spaces.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, that's smart. Shannon...

(LAUGHTER)

O'NEILL: It's very smart.

ROCCA: I think it sounds amazing, but...

POUNDSTONE: Now we're in a small space, genius.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Chioke, how did Casey do on our little quiz?

(LAUGHTER)

I’ANSON: With all three right, Casey is a winner.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Casey.

(APPLAUSE)

O'NEILL: Fantastic.

(SOUNDBITE OF JOHN BARRY'S "BLUEBERRY HILL") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.