Valley Public Radio - Live Audio

Limericks

Sep 7, 2019
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TOM PAPA, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But, first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924 or click the Contact Us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find info about our shows here at the Chase and our upcoming 1,000th show October 24 in Salt Lake City, Utah.

(APPLAUSE)

AMY DICKINSON: Wow.

PAPA: And for all of you out there who no longer make voice calls and talk to humans, you can play the new WAIT WAIT quiz available now on your smart speaker. Just ask to play the WAIT WAIT quiz, and Bill and I will be there to ask you some questions and hear your answers. It's just like the radio show only, now, we're listening to you. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

LAURELL HAAPANEN: Hi. This is Laurell Haapanen.

PAPA: Hey, Laurell Haapanen. And you sound very happening. Where are you?

HAAPANEN: Well, it'd be funny if I was in Tampa, but I'm actually in Brooklyn.

PAPA: How is Brooklyn these days? Does it feel like that - you think it's turning? Is it getting to that great perfect New York fall?

HAAPANEN: I actually came by way of Seattle, so it all just seems really, really hot and then really, really scary.

PAPA: Yeah, that's what it says in the brochure.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Well, welcome to the show, Laurell.

HAAPANEN: Thank you.

PAPA: Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two limericks, you're a winner. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: My joy I find hard to contain. This petri dish here will explain. Right here by the sink, it is learning to think. I have managed to grow a new...

HAAPANEN: Brain.

KURTIS: Brain it is.

PAPA: That's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Wow.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Yes, indeed.

WILLIE NELSON: Very good. Scientists have successfully grown viable minibrains capable of producing actual brain waves. Once they perfect the minibrains, they'll release their newest product, frosted minibrains....

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: ...And Raisin Brains (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Scientists have concluded that the artificial brain activity is indistinguishable from the brain of a human baby. In other words, they're really, really dumb.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Little tiny brains, creepy.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. What is the point of that?

PAPA: I don't know.

DICKINSON: I am afraid we're going to find out.

PAPA: All right, Laurell. Here's your next limerick.

KURTIS: This heat wave is worse than you think. It is driving my feet to the brink. The heat has exposed swollen ankles and toes because it's causing my footwear to...

HAAPANEN: (Unintelligible).

PAPA: Mary Wilson would know it.

POUNDSTONE: Well, if...

(LAUGHTER)

HAAPANEN: I know. She'd know in a minute.

POUNDSTONE: If you were to pick up your footwear, what would you notice about it?

HAAPANEN: Stink. They stink.

KURTIS: (Laughter) Stink.

PAPA: They stink, no.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, damn it.

HAAPANEN: Paula.

PAPA: They shrink, shrink.

POUNDSTONE: Oh.

BIM ADEWUNMI: Oh.

PAPA: Severe heat this summer caused some plastic shoes like crocs to shrink, making their owners unable to wear them. So I guess it's finally time to say thank you, global warming.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I can't believe I gave a listener a hint that led her in the wrong direction.

ADEWUNMI: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, boy. That's why no one ever cheated off my paper growing up.

PAPA: (Laughter) Oh, I'm totally going to fail. I'm sitting next to Poundstone.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Here's your last limerick.

KURTIS: Here we go. Having robots in bars isn't risky. When they drink, they're not feisty or frisky. They're here to find faults in young single malts. These robots are tasting my...

HAAPANEN: Whiskey.

KURTIS: Whiskey it is.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

PAPA: That's right.

KURTIS: Yes, indeed.

(APPLAUSE)

PAPA: Whiskey tasters, which is when you're an alcoholic but you get paid, are being replaced by robots.

POUNDSTONE: (Laughter).

PAPA: Researchers have developed a so-called robotic tongue that can tell the difference between whiskeys with 99% accuracy, differences like oaky, smoky and ew.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Isn't that that Willie Nelson song? (Singing) Whiskey robot, take my mind. Isn't that the - wasn't that right?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

PAPA: I think that's it. That's the - yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Can't believe they made a robot with a tongue, and that's what they're doing with it.

(LAUGHTER)

ADEWUNMI: When you're right, you're right, Paula.

DICKINSON: Oh, my God.

POUNDSTONE: I mean...

PAPA: Bill, how did Laurell do?

KURTIS: Laurell, you got 2 out of 3, and that is a winner here. So congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

HAAPANEN: Yay.

PAPA: Thank you, Laurell.

HAAPANEN: Thank you, all.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "WHISKEY RIVER")

NELSON: (Singing) Whiskey river, take my mind. Don't let her memory torture me. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.