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Limericks

Aug 31, 2019
Originally published on August 31, 2019 9:12 am
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game we have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And we have just a few seats left for our upcoming show in Newark, N.J. on September 12 and tickets for our 1,000th show October 24 in Salt Lake City. They're on sale now.

Also, be sure to check our weekly quiz for your smart speaker. It's the easiest and laziest way to experience all the thrills of being on WAIT WAIT... without picking up your phone. Just say open the WAIT WAIT quiz, and you could win the voice of your choice.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

WHITNEY YADRICH: Hi, Peter and friends, this is Whitney Yadrich from Merriam, Kan.

SAGAL: Oh, how's things in Merriam, Kan.?

YADRICH: As pleasant as you'd expect.

SAGAL: I would expect nothing less and nothing more from Kansas - pleasant.

YADRICH: Hey now, Bill and I are going to have some problems with that.

SAGAL: Now that's a good question because you're from Kansas. And I - my understanding is that Bill Kurtis here is a legend in his native state. Am I right?

YADRICH: Well, yeah. He's legendary for both of us. We're both graduates from the University of Kansas' journalism school.

SAGAL: Oh, my gosh.

(APPLAUSE)

BILL KURTIS: Well, Whitney, good to meet you.

YADRICH: It's worked out better for him, but...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Whitney, welcome to our show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

YADRICH: I am so ready.

SAGAL: I can tell. Here's your first limerick.

KURTIS: Spain's nudists are far too exposed. So we cops helped them out, we suppose. When thieves take their stuff, they are left in the buff. So we bring them a spare set of...

YADRICH: Clothes.

SAGAL: Yes, clothes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL RINGING)

SAGAL: Very good. Nudists in Spain can rest easy if their stuff gets stolen thanks to an emergency set of clothes provided by the police. Barcelona police are now keeping stashes of spare outfits - a pair of shorts and a shirt and a metro card - for ripped-off nudists. Of course, this is Barth-elona, so they offered them a pair of thorts and a thirt.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's what they call it there. That's what they call it there.

PETER GROSZ: Is Spain just, like, lousy with nudists that this is enough of a problem?

SAGAL: Yeah, they have nude beaches - they have more nude beaches in Europe than they do here. So this is a thing that happens.

GROSZ: Well, I know that, Peter. I've seen, you know, like, European vacation.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: But it's like enough of a thing.

SAGAL: Apparently it's enough of a thing.

NEGIN FARSAD: Like, they have to have a policy about it...

SAGAL: Yeah, apparently...

FARSAD: ...And a special drawer at the precinct.

SAGAL: Yeah, it became a thing that, like, nudists would coming up to police and going somebody stole my clothes, and I'm naked. And...

GROSZ: Why did they have clothes if they're nudists, Peter?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: They probably have laws where you can't be naked on a bus.

SAGAL: Probably, yeah.

GROSZ: So you have to wear - you got to leave your house with clothes - stupid clothes. Then you got to go to your nude beach...

FARSAD: Take off your clothes.

GROSZ: ...Take them off, and put it somewhere. And then there's just a bunch of kids sitting under the boardwalk, and they want your clothes. They've left the house solely to steal your clothes.

SAGAL: That's exactly right. Police have given out more than 100 of these clothes kits this summer. They report that clothing thievery is on the rise because who doesn't go to a nudist beach, look around and think these are just the people I want to stay naked?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: A long lifespan is often atop of the list. If you feel down, I'm telling you, stop resist. To have a long life, ignore hardship and strife. It'll help if you're more of a...

YADRICH: Oh, God. This is so mortifying.

KURTIS: Keep a positive attitude, Whitney.

YADRICH: Optimist.

SAGAL: Yes, optimist.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL RINGING)

KURTIS: Did she say optimist? Good for you. Good.

SAGAL: It turns out that optimism can extend your life up to 15% more than pessimism, which is great because you're going to need a lot of optimism when everyone you know is dead.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Apparently, it's all thanks to the power of positive thinking and goal-setting. If you want to do something, you need the confidence to do it. And that goal-oriented confidence helps extend your life, especially if your goal is to not die.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Whitney, here's your last limerick.

KURTIS: At insects, most pets merely shrug. But meat is all pumped up with drugs. So mealworms and crickets are pet food's new ticket. Our pets should be eating more...

YADRICH: Bugs.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL RINGING)

KURTIS: Yes, there it is, the winner.

SAGAL: Despite what we are told in all those commercials, your dog does not really need to eat wild-caught Alaskan salmon to be healthy. In fact, vets are recommending new insect-based dog food because it's just as healthy. It's got lots of good protein. It's environmentally friendly. And it's not like your dog, an animal that sometimes chooses to enjoy its own vomit...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Is going to complain about the fact that it's bugs.

FARSAD: That's, like, a good solution for the Doral and their bedbugs.

SAGAL: Yeah.

FARSAD: Turn it into cuisine.

GROSZ: (Unintelligible) going to start bragging. Close to the airport, amazing bedbugs.

SAGAL: No, it's not an infestation. It's the mini-bar.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Whitney do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Whitney the Jayhawk is undefeated.

SAGAL: Yay, Whitney.

(APPLAUSE)

YADRICH: Rock Chalk. Bye, everyone. Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

FARSAD: Bye, Whitney. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.